Confessions of a Truth
by gottalovett
Summary: The true story of Merlin from the POV of various characters in the movie, not the one that Merlin told to his listeners... inspired by Mary Stewart's merlin series and the 'Deverry cycle" by Katherine Kerr
1. Chapter 1

Confessions of a Truth- Chapter One

I had told the same story for years. Since I'd lost Nimue I'd felt that if I told people the story the way that I wanted it to be heard I'd perhaps lose some of the blame for what I had done all those years ago. After all man's memory is short. But Frik's words 'That's not quite how I remember it Master Merlin' made me wonder. Made me wonder wether it is best to lock up our past so that we never have to face our inner demons. My story, the real story is one full of pain, betrayal and deception, not unlike the one I have been telling for the past 30 years, yet this story is different because it is real. Real with emotions to break me down into tears and choking grief because I was wrong. Wrong about Mab, wrong about Arthur, wrong about the strength of Nimue's love for me but most of all I was wrong about myself. Wrong about good and bad, right and wrong. Because life is never that simple, and nor are people. And my life was complicated from the start. A creature of air and darkness, I tried to run from who I was until I tripped and fell further into the night. Now, now it is time to tell the story in a new way, on these very pages, so that the past is not chained up and forgotten but remembered…

* * *

The purple, intricately patterned dyes of her gown subtly changed colour as she moved to some hidden music, some hidden rhythm. She was so unnatural, but unnatural in a way that seemed a part of himself. In his mind, though he pretended to tire of magic, tire of the Old Ways, he couldn't help but feel intrigued by its mysteries.

He remembered Mab's words on his first night in her abode. "This power that I have, that runs through my veins, is your power too, your birthright. It is yours if you are not too cowardly to grasp it," she has whispered in his ear, leaning towards him almost seductively, every movement meant only for him. But he also remembered the words of his Aunty Ambrosia, his kind and loving mother in everything but name only, "magic has no power over the human heart." Aunty A was right Merlin thought sadly. If he condemned the Old Ways, he condemned his mother, not the sickly human being Ambrosia had so easily replaced, but his true mother, she who circled him now scowling at his slow progress.

Merlin's mind whirled as he stared into the Queen of the Old Ways green eyes unflinchingly. "Oh Ambrosia," he thought, "It is not so easy to be part human. For you, content and safe wrapped in security with your God, see only the good in love. You see only beauty in emotion. But I am human just as you are and humanity is full of sadness and pain. You told me to follow my heart but I do not know where my heart truly lies. I love you and the girl Nimue whom I rescued all those years ago and you would say this was good and right. But a part of me, the half of me that is immortal, of the spirit world calls to my true nature. You would not understand dear Aunty, you are of the new faith but part of me loves my mother, an aching love that will always choke and bind me to her. It is a love stronger than my love for you, stronger even then my love for Nimue. Where Mab calls I will follow for I am chained to her by human ropes of affection, my human side, not that of the cold, harsh spirit world rendering my trap complete."

Merlin was pulled back to the present with the harsh rasping words of Mab. "You're not trying hard enough. You could be great but if you continue along this path you never will be." Her beautiful green eyes, usually warm when they glanced Merlin's way were cold and empty. Her proud pale face seemed somehow even more drained of colour than usual and her full lips were pursed in disgust. Those cold, deep eyes seemed to bore into his very soul, inspecting every hidden thought, every chasm of his being.

Mab stopped circling his chair and smiled, sitting next to him and stroking his long hair. "But you will try now won't you. Yes, you will try…" she murmured in his ear. She glanced scathingly at Frik who was endeavouring to look anywhere but at her. After brief seconds Mab snarled "Well you imbecile! What are you waiting for?"

Frik flinched. "Well Master Merlin," he muttered indicating at an unlit candle. Merlin put thoughts of long nights with Frik out of his mind, long nights where he did the same thing over and over, the amount of wax on the table mounting and melting in the hot evening air. When Merlin indicated with his hand the candle lit. He moved his hand again expecting the wax to splatter once more into Frik's waiting face. Instead the flame winked out steadily. "Very good Merlin," Mab crooned, her hand alternatively teasing and stroking his hair.

Merlin's feelings of seconds before rose again. This icy Snow Queen was his mother. Despite the way Mab treated Frik, despite what Ambrosia had said to Mab "You were once capable of love for your followers. Once but no longer," despite all this, Merlin understood Mab; her need for survival, her use of those weaker to reach that goal. He understood Mab, wanted to please her, because at heart they were of the same root; brother and sister, those of the spirit world blessed or was it doomed to be given mighty magicks at the price of compassion.

Merlin jolted from his musings as Mab's hand slipped down his shoulder, her touch soft yet somehow languid as she took his hand in hers. Her fey green eyes lit up with an unholy blaze as she whispered almost triumphantly "Now you know what you can achieve it is time for you to see your future and my plans for you." Merlin looked up in shock. "Yes Merlin," she said amusedly, "it is time for you to visit my crystal cave."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Mab felt the renewed power rush through her veins. Merlin was wavering; his faerie blood was awakening in his veins, swaying him. Soon he would be hers, her key to reviving the Old Ways throughout ungrateful Briton. His lust for things hidden, his secret desire for power would overcome any reservations he had about Mab's methods.

What Merlin saw amongst crystals would be what she commanded to be shown- better for Merlin to believe a lie of how his future was to be, than for him to discover the truth when he was not yet ready, when he was not entirely _hers. _

Mab sensed her power in the human world grow with Merlin's trust in her. She felt the very rocks and trees awake from their slumber, fearies and sprites winking back into existence as Merlin's faith revived a broken realm. The very air crackled with renewed power, the wind whispered for those who knew how to listen.

Mab glanced towards Merlin who was staring in shock at the crystal lined floor; topaz yellow, milky pearl pink and amethyst purple crept up the sides of the cave wall. The edges were sharp, jagged like razors along its floor; shimmery from water droplets. The only light in the cave came from within the crystals veiny depths, casting a muted glow throughout the darkness. In such uncertain light the crystals seemed to pulse with life, the sounds of incoherent voices and the movement of shadows promised within their depths.

Mab cradled a blood red ruby in her hands conjuring the vision she wanted Merlin to believe, her dark eyes willing images to seal themselves in the crystal. She felt it throb, become one with the crystals in her cave. _Her cave. Her cave that granted true visions to no one but herself. _Her mouth curved upwards in an amused smile. "Poor Merlin," she thought, "how little he understands me. This place exists for me alone. He can never hope to match me, never be my equal because I created all the magic he sees and I created him. And thus he is mine as malleable and as powerless before me as any other human being here on this earth."

She inclined her head towards Merlin, the darkness of the cave hiding her fey smile as she gloated at the near completion of her plans. He waited patiently, trustingly, for further instruction. "Kneel on the floor," Mab commanded, "The crystals will not cut," she added as Merlin looked up in alarm. As Merlin knelt before her crystalline creation, head bowed almost as though in submission, Mab felt the power surge. Her eyes flashed with delight.

"At last. At last I shall succeed and save my people. No longer will they cower before foreign Gods; no longer will they wait drained of all life for a soul to invoke their name. We will be remembered and survive." She floated towards Merlin. "Ahhhh Merlin. Now you will save us." But there was no response.

Merlin was immersed in the vision she had created for him. He heard nothing, saw nothing, but what she had chosen for him to see in the crystals hidden depths.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The rifts and colour spots within the crystals centre became shapes, their misty depths voices. Within the smoky centres a picture formed. Merlin could make out an image of an older male; of himself a voice whispered. Of himself as he would become. His older self was sitting in a Lord's great hall. No, he was the great Lord seated on an oaken throne. Seated to his right was a beautiful woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She wore a golden fillet about her blonde hair and her hand rested tenderly in his. "Nimue," Merlin breathed.

The long hall was filled with people; cheerful and prosperous- the signs of a wise king. As Merlin looked more closely at the crowd he noticed more unusual subjects. Sprites and faeries and gnomes and elves. Every manner of magical creature dispersed throughout his hall; all people one in Merlin's just court.

The great doors opened and Frik bowed low before 'King Merlin.' From the mists of the vision a man bound by an iron chain walked proudly behind him. Frik flourished a hand at the unkempt man. 'I bring you Vortigan, former King of Briton, for your judgement, Master Merlin." From behind King Merlin's chair another stepped forward. Merlin gasped "Mab."

She was unchanged. Still so chillingly beautiful. Her robed arm rested on King Merlin as she leaned forward to advise in his ear "the penalty for uprising is death.' The man, Vortigan, seemed to slump at her words, his eyes showing humiliation and… something else…longing. And then his head hung as he stood conquered, a shamed man.

"King Merlin was good, king Merlin was just, King Merlin would make the right choice. He would do what was best for the Old Ways as his mother commanded." Merlin frowned at the voice whispering inside his mind. Surely his future was not to be his own mother's lapdog for all eternity. But the vision did not answer him as it continued to unfold. King Merlin drew out his sword and swiftly cut off Vortigan's head. The people of his court continued on as if nothing had happened, Nimue, next to him, continued to smile demurely. Merlin frowned again. Something was wrong. Why was no one displaying human emotions of joy or sadness? His Nimue would never sit so calmly as a man died at her feet.

As if hearing his thoughts the crystals began to pulsate, the vision becoming drained of colour, sound distorted. Wisps of picture swirled away until even he was gone. Only Mab remained, surrounded by a white fog. Her green eyes contemplated him mockingly as her mouth worked a spell. Her hands held up as she chanted, glorious beauty could not hide the cruelty in her face. Merlin felt the revulsion well up inside of him for he knew that whatever it was that Mab chanted, it boded ill for him.

"You know my sister better than she thinks," a rushy voice breathed within the crystal, "She strives to control you with false visions of the future yet she forgets that I too hold power within this cave. And if you ask it of me I shall show you what will truly happen if you follow the path my sister sets for you."

"Who are you?" Merlin thought.

"I am Mab's sister. The Lady of the Lake. Mab fears the Old Ways vanishing. She uses you even now to struggle against time and death. But that is her fear not mine. I know that all things must change. No matter how hard my sister fights, time will beat her down to fit into the natural order of the world."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it is not fair of Mab to trick you like this. You at least must choose your own path knowing the truth of a future like the one you just saw. Merlin will you look?"

"Yes" Merlin thought gravely.

The milky innards of the crystal stirred once more as new faces formed.

* * *

Mab allowed the raw energy of her creation to course through her body. Flinging her hands up in insane ecstasy, she threw back her elegant head, long dark hair tossed over her shoulder, uncontrollable laughter spilling out of her mouth. With the laughter came words. They echoed across the cave in a cacophony of voices "At last, at last…" With the hysterical laughter came warmth, a desire. Mab's mouth curved upwards in a wicked smile. A desire for Merlin.


	4. Chapter 4

_Libertine- I've tried improving my punctuation for this chapter. I hope you like it! Please review._

_Tegan- if you are reading this chapter I'm sorry for what happens but it was rather inevitable considering the amount of sexuality Mab naturally exudes in the movie_

Instead of happiness and laughter within the crystal, Merlin saw only death; so much death. Whole villages razed to the ground, women and children screaming. The blood from warring armies filled up Merlin's vision. Sticky blood trickled and swirled like fog, seeping across the wintry ground. The red burning and imprinting on his retinas. Merlin saw himself, under Mab's command, send out more armies to slip on the already spilt blood, to fight a hopeless battle, until not one man was left standing.

The vision changed. Now monasteries burned, priests chased down to fall on their knees, skewered at the altar of their God. He saw himself order the deaths of all those who followed the New Faith. And then… and then Merlin felt his throat dry up in fear at what he saw. Nimue was before him, thrown roughly at his feet by armed guards. Her throat barred before him, 'Merlin of the Vision,' drew his sword in a similar gesture to King Merlin's actions towards Vortigan.

In one stroke Nimue's head was severed completely from her body; her mouth open in pain, eyes sightlessly staring in horror. The force of the blow was such that her head rolled forwards, her eyes ever fixing on Merlin.

Suddenly Merlin heard screaming. Hoarse, frightened screams of hysteria. Merlin felt hands reach for him, pull him out of his seated position. It was only then that Merlin realised the screams were his own. Sightlessly, he reached up to the person helping him, engulfing himself in her arms to protect himself from the memory of Nimue's death stare. Gentle arms held him in a motherly hug, lulling Merlin into a false sense of calm as he was tenderly rocked back and forth.

Until Merlin remembered who had been waiting in the cave with him. _His mother_. She who had tried to trick him into following her with a false vision. Merlin tried to escape Mab's embrace but she was too strong.

'It has to be magic,' he thought in fear. In his panicked state he just wanted out. He wanted to be somewhere far away from Mab and the Old Ways losing battle with time. For in his second vision he had seen no hope for Mab and her kind. And he most certainly wanted nothing to do with a mother who would trick her own son.

He felt hysteria rise once more as Nimue's sightless eyes resurfaced in his memory and he struggled harder. Mab's deep, throaty laugh sent a chill down Merlin's spine as she mockingly brushed her lips against his neck. "Oh Merlin, you cannot escape me. You are not strong enough," she whispered.

* * *

Mab's excited dance was broken by the sounds of screams. She swivelled, turning in surprise, to see Merlin flopping about the crystal's base. As she paused to stare, Mab sensed something at the edge of her mind; another presence within the cave. As quickly as she sensed it, it was gone.

Merlin's piercing screams penetrated her ear drum. Before she dealt with the renegade who had disrupted her plans, she would deal with him. After all her body still itched for his. If visions in the crystal had failed her, corrupted by an unknown presence, than perhaps her body would bind him to her. Mab smiled remembering other men she had used in this way. Lust is such an effective tool, she thought.

As she gathered Merlin into her arms, in an ironic illustration of motherly instincts at work, she said out loud for the benefit of the perpetrator, the destroyer of a plan, "Merlin will be mine. One way or another he will serve **me**_." _

* * *

Merlin felt wordless horror. His own mother turned temptress? And yet a part of him did understand Mab, understood that she would put survival above all else, and to survive she needed Merlin.

Her pale arms, suffocating in black and purple spider web lace, continued to caress his back. Part of him felt the warmth, the comfort Mab was providing him after the brutal shock of what he had just seen, yet half of him felt only coldness, a calm detachment; his mind planning out escape routes to no avail.

Merlin's body leaned almost of its own accord towards Mab as he tasted the warmth, the hot all too human moist of her mouth, her beautiful lips offered to him freely. After so much magic, human warmth was welcome.

The brittle, icy, damaged half of himself rebelled; Merlin's mind screaming out in protest that he was doing this with his own mother. His own mother! But Mab was right. She had him where she wanted him and he was not strong enough to break free.

As their kiss deepened, thoughts became too muddled for thinking logically. As Mab's long, perfectly formed fingers rested cool against his neck, pushing his face towards her, he couldn't help but notice how beautiful her deep purple nails were. No! He couldn't help but notice how beautiful her whole body was, perfect curves not quite hidden by flowing robes.

Now it was he kissing her hungrily on the mouth, on her heaving breast; he kissing each slender finger one by one while Mab smiled, ever seductive. Merlin no longer cared that Mab was by rights his mother; in fact nothing at all seemed to matter except the need to drown in Mab's glorious green eyes.

"Stop," a voice whispered inside his mind. "Stop this madness Merlin, before it is too late. My sister has surely cast a spell on you for you to act as you are. I can break that spell." With the words sounding in his head, Merlin's other half, the less passionate half, regained control. Disgust coursed through him. He felt sick to the stomach. He had been willing to give himself to Mab, to give himself to his own mother. And the worst part was Merlin knew there had been no spell of Mab's to induce him to act as he had, no magic other than that of his own all too human heart.

The shame ate into him.

The Lady of the Lake sounded in his mind again, "I will lend you some of my strength to break free of Mab's embrace but then you must run. Leave this place forever. Forget Mab, forget magic. Go back to your Aunty and remain free." If only it was that easy Merlin thought sadly.

As though sensing something amiss Mab leant in close to his ear, the ridges of her breasts more pronounced then ever, causing Merlin to forget himself all over again. "What's wrong Merlin? Haven't you ever had a woman before?" Mab whispered with an amused laugh, moving his hand so it rested against her breast.

"Mab…' Merlin began to say, "Mother…" but before he could finish the incoherent thought he wanted to share, two words resounded throughout the crystal cave. "RUN NOW."

And his cold, rational, sensible half took over; pushing Mab away as he instinctively obeyed Mab's sister. At the cave entrance he looked back. Mab was keeling over in shock at the force he had used against her; her green eyes ferocious with suppressed rage at losing her prey. But as Merlin looked he noticed something else in those childlike eyes. Pain. Pain at losing her son in more ways than one. He wanted to go back, pick her up off the floor, tell her he did love her and he was sorry for bolting in fear like a child.

But Merlin didn't. He kept running. Shame and disgust and love mingling together down in his very soul. At that moment he hated himself. Hated himself for not knowing his own heart.


	5. Chapter 5

_sorry it took me so long to type this up guys. Im starting Uni and I just didnt seem to have the time :(_

_Libitine: have you written more of your story? its killing me waiting for it lol_

Frik looked up from his dusty pile of books. The steady stream of renewed magic had revitalised him, made him feel young for the hours Merlin had been locked away in visions. Now the air was dull. Empty. Something had gone wrong.

He felt his face screw up in annoyance as he realised what must have happened. The idiot boy had bolted. Mab had not been careful enough. "Really," Frik thought to himself, "Madame might take the time to listen to me. I mean I do have some experience with humans. I told Madame the boy was homesick. What's the harridan done now? Any number of things wrong I shouldn't wonder!"

* * *

Mab's eyes were blazing. She had been a fool. There was only one person who was powerful enough to combat the Queen of Air and Darkness. Her sister. How Mab hated her in her inertia, her complete lack of drive. Didn't the fool want to survive? And just why wouldn't she help her own sister?

"Mab," the watery voice of the Lady of the Lake called," you summoned me sister." Mab looked across the cave to its surface, where her sister's face watched her in polite curiosity.

Mab paced in front of her in ager. "How dare you," Mab hissed. "How dare you interfere with my plans." Her sister looked down, sadness in every vapour of her being. "I've told you Mab. I do not like what you scheme. Merlin is but a pawn in this game, one easily knocked off the board." The lady's fish necklace faded in and out as she spoke slowly, in her measured tone; already she was starting to be forgotten. "I have accepted my fate sister and now you must accept yours."

Mab held her proud head up high, expression set, eyes a myriad of emotions. "Never!"

* * *

Merlin was gasping for breath, turning one corner then another, trying to navigate his way out of Mab's maze of rocky canyons and steep criss cross pathways. Small sprites, who usually stared down at him with vacant expressions, now mobbed him with small hands, gnashing their teeth. They knew Mab wanted him to stay. Using his hand as a shield he ran through them, feeling gossamer wings break, shred, and rip. But Merlin didn't have time to care. He was tired of the uncertain darkness of Mab's domain, the sudden flickers of purple, blue or green which indicated a magical creature passing by, the hidden shadows. He was tired of its rocky walls, its black corners. They spoke of the elusive, the mysterious; perhaps even the forbidden. Now Merlin longed for the sunshine and the green and the open and the honesty of his home with Aunty A. There lay harboured a simpler love than what lay here in darkness.

Merlin's thoughts were halted by a sudden crash behind him. Over his shoulder he saw a cascade of falling rocks block the path back. He had no idea of wether the Lady of the Lake had just helped him escape or Mab had narrowly missed killing her protégé in a blind rage. There was nothing for it but to keep running forward.

* * *

Frik jumped up from his desk, scholar's hat tilting lopsidedly as a crash caused dust to rise from the mustier of the books in his library. Choking on a cough he muttered to himself, "Now what's Madame doing?" As Merlin's footsteps trumpeted past, too loud for the softness of Frik's mistress, he grinned mischievously (he was after all a gnome and Madame was a rather hard task master). "Why shouldn't I let the boy go?" Frik said to no one in particular. "I'll consider it payment for the last hundred years." Grinning again, Frik calmly sat down and resumed writing notes on a manuscript in a carefully copious hand.

* * *

Merlin looked around in confusion. He was deep down in the very innards of Mab's lair. Definitely not where he wanted to be! Or did he? Merlin tried not to think about it. His feet sloshed against a puddle as he walked further into the pitch black of the passage. To his surprise the puddle soon became an underground lake. A boat was waiting, standing steady against the current. "More magic," Merlin thought warily.

In a burst of silvery light The Lady of the Lake splashed out of the water, hovering protectively above the boat. "Goodbye Merlin," she said in her liquid voice, indicating with a faint finger towards the boats deck. As soon as Merlin stepped onto the boat, it drifted further into the cavern which Merlin hoped would lead to sunlight and daylight and eventually home. The dank belly of the cavern a tunnel to a brighter place…

* * *

Mab hissed in frustration. Her foolish sister was battling her for control. Battling her, Mab, in her own realm! Mab lifted up the ruby she had stored Merlin's vision in over her head, bringing it down to shatter over other crystals; their rainbow colours splintering across the cave floor.

Mab stopped and smiled and let The Lady of the Lake take Merlin out of her realm. Let the fool think she had won. She, Mab, was the Queen of Air and Darkness, possessed with the formidable gifts of both cunning and patience.

This time Mab chose an obsidian stone to scry; its black glittery depths appealing to Mab and her plans. She saw Merlin running outside in the forest, no doubt running back to that idiot Ambrosia. Now he was explaining something frantically to the startled Ambrosia, gesticulating wildly in fear as though he thought Mab would appear behind him to drag him back to her cave. Well let Merlin think he was safe for now. Mab was if nothing else subtle.

She placed the obsidian carefully on the ground and began to pace the crystal cave in thought.


	6. Chapter 6

Interlude

I tried to forget about what had happened, tried to live as I had before magic and Mab had swept into my life. But it was hard.

And then one day the dreams started. Relentless in their intensity. Every night Mab would reproach me in sleep; green eyes ever mournful. "Why Merlin?" She would ask of me, "Why do you condemn me? Help me to survive." I could never answer her and soon she'd dissolve into nothing; into a commonplace dream of spring harvest or a walk in the forest. As the months went by they ceased.

Despite Ambrosia's protests I continued to practice the magic Frik had taught me. After all, even illusions can be useful. But I was careful to do so away from her until she died from old age and nothing more when I was 20. I lived by myself in the cottage we had shared, content to be alone. I think I thought that if I lived life simply, life itself would be simple. But life has a way of drawing us into complications beyond our will. Thus it was I found Nimue again.

She had found my hut whilst looking for a stray horse. She told me her father was staying at the stronghold of King Vortigan ready for the season's army muster. She smiled and told me she would return.

And so she did. Almost every day for weeks she'd lead her horse into my gully. On a pleasant day we'd ride about aimlessly while I told her old tales of magic, long forgotten legends of Gods and Goddesses. Sometimes we'd pick flowers, sometimes we'd swim in a nearby brook, sometimes we'd lie on the grass and watch the clouds scud by.

But my favourite days weren't ones of sunshine, but of rain. On such days Nimue would tether her horse and sit beside me near the roaring fire I had lighted. As the raindrops on her hair dried and her hands warmed she'd tell me her own stories. Stories of the New Faith such as my Aunty had once told.

In amongst the dirt and straw and mud of the cottage and with the glow of the fire, Nimue's face came alive as she told me those tales. Living a closeted existence at her father's residence, her tutor had taught her about the miracle workings of the man called Jesu, now, her face was animated as she spoke in her clear voice of his resurrection. I didn't believe in what she spoke of but drinking in the sound of her voice was pure ecstasy, seeing those eyes light up in joy, colour specks illuminated in her passion, was enough for me. Without meaning to, I had fallen in love again.

I should have known those carefree days couldn't last, for Mab had not been idle in the years since I had seen her last. She had begun to spin a new web, one which would catch us all unawares, one which would destroy us all…

_Part One of my fan fic is finished. What do you guys think?_

_I will try and post a chapter a week but I can't promise anything coz uni is taking up a stack of my time._


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Six

Mab sat upon the white horse gracefully as it meandered through the woodland bridging her realm and King Vortigan's. Mab smiled to herself at the thought of Vortigan; a hard man controlled only by is pride, she had abandoned him when she had created Merlin. At first she had missed him, but soon he had faded into the past for the faerie folk were not known for human emotions after all.

When Merlin had run away, Mab had scried Vortigan out; had continued to do so for some time. She had noted his harshness, his cold ways and decided he would be useful. Now she was on her way to visit an old friend.

As she passed through the forest she noted with some displeasure abandoned shrines and former Holy places. Against the golden leaves, wooden carvings of Gods and Goddesses lay forgotten, rotting on the woodland floor.

Mab raised her head determined. The old ways would be revived; she would make sure of it. With her assertion, magic circulated through the sacred places. It would only be a matter of time before new followers came back to worship her. She could offer so much to those who believed in her. What could those who called themselves Christian have to compare with such an offer? Empty hope and an empty dream of a Saviour who would never come! Mab laughed aloud. Trust humanity to put its faith in such an immaterial concept. She, Mab, was real. She was visible, her magic could be seen. Having faith in the Old Ways should have been so easy for them. Why did humanity have to complicate things?

Her horse ambled along the path, a silver light illuminating Mab all the way to Vortigan's castle. People stopped to stare at the strange apparition before wrapped in purple and black and silver; hair bound up in complicated braids. Those that looked into her green eyes saw dreams. Dreams of money, of greed, dreams of lust and passion, dreams of power, even dreams of sacrifice, all reflected and promised in Mab's emerald eyes. The awe and the fear was a palpable thing, an unspoken acknowledgement of a greater power than their puny own. The silence grew.

The King that stepped forward to greet her was older than she had remembered. Long years of war had added creases around ageless eyes that had seen too much. His mouth was set in a sardonic smile, but there was no real malice in Vortigan's face, almost as though such an expression had become simply a habit. If he recognised her, he showed no sign of it on his carved face.

"I am Mab, Queen of the Old Ways," she said with command. Vortigan gave a small half bow before holding out his hand. Mab placed her pale hand in his rough, calloused one and allowed him to help her dismount. She needed an ally, not a servant. And to achieve that she needed Vortigan to think himself strong enough to be her equal.

Vortigan turned suddenly to his subjects, those nearest to him cringing back in fear lest they somehow attract his wrath. "Queen Mab is my guest. Any man… or woman who disputes her power," at this Vortigan glared scathingly at a priest clutching a wooden crucifix, "shall face my wrath. Any questions?" They were not stupid. No one dared speak. Years of seeing violent punishments carried out for slight insults had taught Vortigan's people the value of silence.

He smiled coldly, "None? Didn't think so. Good." He held out his arm for Mab to rest hers upon before saying mockingly, "Shall we?"

_A very interesting man_, Mab thought to herself as she allowed herself to be taken into Vortigan's fortress. _The years made me forget… such an interesting, dangerous man but so very, very stupid_.

* * *

Vortigan sat on his wrought iron throne deep in thought. He was remembering his ascent to power, wrested from others after years of fighting. In the end it was not a man of noble birth who had become a contender for King Constance's throne, nor even a man of money or resources. Vortigan had reached the great heights by trusting no one, setting brother against brother so none were left to challenge him when the final day of reckoning came. With his memories of the first great military victories he remembered another… a fearie queen of immense power.

Vortigan knew power when he saw it, knew that to use power was to win. Mab had been younger than, as humans reckoned time. She had been more trusting, more innocent of the darker side to humanity. In her lack of knowledge she had trusted Vortigan's promise. If Mab put him on the throne, Vortigan would enforce the Old Ways rule throughout the land. At least that was the agreement in place till Vortigan had the crown firmly on his head.

Vortigan was a man who understood power, not religion. As he sat in the cold throne room, he thought to himself, "I didn't need her then and I don't need her now to defeat Uther. I depend on me to survive." He smiled the sardonic smile Mab had witnessed earlier, "Though to be Allies for now could be useful."

His mocking smile slowly changed at this thought. His expression became softer on his rugged face; somehow warmer, more human and less predatory. He was remembering his youth again. A would be King about to start a Civil War, he had accepted all the Allies he could get: including Mab.

She had been very beautiful, in an unearthly, ethereal way. Vortigan had lusted for her from the first day she had ridden into his camp. She had always been just out of his reach, her sensual nature making a constant mockery of him. Because he was Vortigan and it was in his nature to deceive, he had betrayed her, but even as he had betrayed, he had loved.

In his foolishness he had thought she was human, forgetting her immense power and her harsh rages. She left his demesne a week after he became King and he never saw her again. He had taken no Queen since that day, never really looked at another woman. Vortigan had thought he was he master of his own destiny, never once realising that destiny ha d taken him up in his claws. He loved her and she had left him and his pride had stopped him from seeking her out, indeed, as it would stop him now.

The soft expression became one of despair. He had thought of her every day after she had left; her ivory skin, lustrous elaborate dark hair and those frighteningly intense green eyes, but never had he entertained the notion that she would return.

A single tear wove a path down his cheek. He wiped it away hastily lest anyone should see harsh King Vortigan human. She could never truly love him. She was Queen of the faerie folk and the faerie folk did not love.

* * *

Nimue saw Mab enter Vortigan's demesne and wondered. Looking at Queen Mab's lovely face she felt an inexplicable fear squeeze at her heart. For a few moments she couldn't breathe for an all encompassing terror seized her mind. She gasped for breath before kneeling at the foot of her bed to pray.

_this is gonna take me forever to finish :P_


	8. Chapter 8

_Enjoy Nea-9_

Chapter Seven

Merlin was standing in Nimue's chamber, gazing into her eyes as the moonlight fell across her lovely face. When he was with Nimue he could feel clean, somehow pure, like maybe his lust for Mab could be erased if he just stared at Nimue long enough. She was so full of love and goodness and holy piety and honesty; the very opposite of the darkness of Mab. And she…

"Merlin," Nimue cut him off mid thought, "There's something I must tell you." Her face was earnest and there was a sudden fear in her blue eyes.

"Whatever is the matter, Nimue?" Merlin asked perplexed.

"It's Vortigan. He…"

"Is doing something pigheaded and mean spirited to his subjects no doubt," interrupted Merlin.

"No," Nimue's voice dropped to a barely audible whisper. "He has found himself a new Ally. I do not know why but the moment I saw her I sensed danger."

"Her?" Merlin's stomach began to clench sickeningly. She couldn't be here. Not now! Not when he had just found his love for Nimue again.

"Her," repeated Nimue, "Mab, The Queen of Air and Darkness, or so she calls herself."

Merlin couldn't help himself. He drew in a sharp intake of breath in shock. Nimue stared at him in confusion. "Do you know of her?"

"Oh yes, better than I would like," muttered Merlin. He sat down heavily on the bed next to Nimue. Grasping for her hand he said, "This bodes ill for the both of us. Avoid her if you can, for nothing good will come of a friendship with one such as her."

Nimue shifted uncomfortably against the bed head. "But Merlin, you've never mentioned her before. I don't understand. How is it that you know one of the denizens of the Old Ways?"

"It's an unpleasant story, Nimue", sighed Merlin. And it is one I am ashamed of, added Merlin in his thoughts.

Nimue frowned. "Unpleasant? Are you enemies then?"

"You could say that I suppose, though…"

"Though what?" prompted Nimue impatiently.

"Nothing," Merlin said flatly. He felt mean spirited for denying Nimue anything, but there are some truths that are best kept hidden and his relationship with Mab was one of them.

Nimue's eyes flashed rare sparks of anger, "secrets Merlin. I thought you loved me. There are no secrets between those who truly love. Why, Lord Jesu said to his disciples on Mt Sinai…"

Merlin felt the restraint in side of him snap. Where before he had always taken delight in Nimue's "stories" of Christianity, as he had dubbed them in his heart of hearts, now he felt only contempt for one who would be blinded by sheer superstition. "I care nothing for your stories of goodness. The world is not a kind place to the innocent Nimue. Surely you've learnt that lesson with your father forcibly kept at Vortigan's side with you as is hostage."

The fire in Nimue's eyes went out. "Perhaps, but I believe in Salvation and the beauty found in all of God's creation. Even Mab has a soul. I am sure of it."

"Your faith is ill founded," Merlin snapped.

Nimue's eyes brimmed tears. "Do you not believe in my God, Merlin?"

Merlin voice's was quiet with a resigned conviction, "No." It was time to admit the truth. He had been fooling both himself and Nimue into believing they're relationship could work out. Than louder, more confidently, he said it again, that one simple word, 'No." He hated himself even as he said it. Merlin knew that Nimue would never forgive him for that simple truth. She believed so passionately in the rightness of her New Faith, and she would never see the world differently to him.

Merlin got up and left the room quickly, breaking into a run down the corridor. Running, running, always running from his problems so eh would never have to face them. Sometimes he wondered if he's ever change.

In his haste, he didn't see Mab slip out from where she had been previously hidden in shadow to materialise outside Nimue's chamber.

* * *

"Oh Milady," the voice trilled softly, "Are you well?" Nimue looked up, her face tearstained. A servant girl was peering anxiously at her from behind the door. Nimue forced out a smile, and indicated that the girl should light the hearth. "I feel unwell."

The servant girl came in hesitantly. "Milady, I could not help but overhear your argument." She cast her green eyes down in meek submission. Poor thing, thought Nimue, no doubt she is ridiculed for every wrong thing she does It is Vortigan's to terrify his victims. She smiled again at the girl, "Don't be afraid. No doubt the entire corridor could hear us. I will not hold it against you…" She stopped, unsure of how to address the girl.

"My name is Niamh," the girl said barely audible. She knelt to spark the fire alight. "I could not help but overhear you mention the New Faith and… I was excited because… well because faith is frowned upon here… I… I did not know there was another worshipper amongst Vortigan's retinue."

Nimue looked with surprise at Niamh. "You know of Lord Jesus? Of the Lord our God? Of Salvation?"

Niamh looked up shyly. "Yes. I heard of the Blessed One from my teacher, a wondering cleric Milady. Perhaps the Lord intended for us to meet."

Nimue laughed, "I too learnt of my Faith from a wandering cleric. He was my tutor and he taught me all that I now value. Indeed, the Lord brings his followers together in unexpected ways."

Niamh nodded earnestly. Nimue gestured for the girl to sit down next to her on the bed "There is something else troubling you." Niamh looked terrified as she clasped her hands together. "Lady Nimue, I could not help but overhear what you said of Queen Mab and Milady I must tell you… she terrifies me. If she ever finds out about us… about what we believe in… she will kill us."

Nimue felt terror flutter at her heart. She had feared Mab from the first. She squeezed Nimah's hand in what she hoped was a reassuring manner, "Well, we'll just have to hope she never finds out."

Niamh still looked distressed. "And Milady I hear you speaking to the wizard about the Queen…" Nimue's face hardened, "Indeed?"

Niamh continued, "I lived in the forest district; near Lord Merlin. He lived with an Aunt of our faith but when he came of age he was taken away by one of the Queen's minions to become a champion of the Old Ways. He returned much changed… more powerful, harder, less innocent. And yet people said he acted as one in a dream, he talked to no one after his aunt's death, only coming into the village to purchase food… he acted as one lovesick. But who was he to love in the crystal cave but Queen Mab herself? The cleric who taught me feared his motives. What if he has allied himself with her? An unholy union that would be…"

Nimue's face was as hard as stone. "You don't need to be delicate about the matter that so concerns you, Niamh. You're trying to tell me that Merlin is no fit consort for one who follows the Lord, our God, are you not? Well there is no need. I had already decided that for myself when you entered the room."

Niamh looked close to tears as she nodded. Nimue couldn't believe it. Merlin… Mab's consort…. And yet it all fitted. His reluctance to tell her the truth, his close mouth on his past. It all made sense. Suddenly she felt hatred for the demure girl sitting beside her who had made Nimue see what her blind affection had not; she could never truly love Merlin.

Her voice rang out icy, "Get out! Get out!"

Niamh backed hastily out of the door, bowing steadily, green eyes innocent and hurt.

When the door was firmly closed, Nimue began to sob.

* * *

Outside, Mab shed her shape easily, smiling.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

The light was growing dim, yet still Vortigan sat in silence on his throne. He had told his grovelling servitors to stay away; that any that entered his throne room would pay for it with their life. So it was no surprise when he looked irritated when he saw the big, wooden doors swing open.

His mouth closed foolishly when he saw who it was. The delicate, pale face, slender figure, his vision of perfection in the illusion of flesh. And always the green eyes, rich and dark and usually so unfathomable.

Mab smiled as he gaped, allowing the doors to slam shut before closing the gap between them. She did not bow to him but for once Vortigan didn't care. He had waited for this moment for years, since she had first left him all that time ago. Yes, he was a proud man, but love has a way of making even the most proud humble.

He could read nothing In her eyes; no emotion; not sadness, nor anger nor hatred for what he had done years ago. Nothing at all. But he had expected that and the acknowledgement of this made it somehow easier to say the words. He stood up from hiss throne and walked towards her. His battle hardened hand cupped her chin gently, looking her fully in the face 'I am sorry," he said simply.

Her face became less cold as she pulled his hands away, though she did not step back. 'I know Vortigan." He saw a glimmer of intangible emotion in those glorious eyes. Sadness and no… not guilt? "I always knew, I just wanted to punish you," she whispered.

Vortigan felt his Kingly mask slip back into place as he muttered sardonically, "yes, you succeeded quite well at that." And then he sighed wearily.

Mab looked at him intently, her face pensive, as if she were coming to some decision on a matter. Her pale face seemed to sparkle in the candlelight. "Vortigan, you did not trust me then. Do you trust me now?"

He put a hand on one side of her face and this time she did not slap him away, instead, brushing her lips against his hand. Her eyes were closed, blackened lids acting like a shutter on her feelings. "ahh Vortigan, we are not so different, you and I. It is the years that have made us who we are; bitter and alone. When I was younger emotions came easier. I delighted in the insignificant requests of my followers; I felt that I had a heart that was warm and beating and alive but now…"

"But now," Vortigan finished for her, "life is a battle… for the both of us."

"Yes," murmured Mab, "a lonely battle that few understand." She suddenly opened her eyes to stare intently at him.

Vortigan looked grave. "No one but me?"

"Yes."

Her eyes. Always the green eyes. Eyes that a man could drown forever in. He forced himself to look away. "You are afraid of death, Mab."

"We can win," she hissed, "but you must trust me."

Suddenly Vortigan found it hard to speak. "You ask for the impossible, Mab. I want more than mere faith can give…" His voice choked, "don't try to deny it."

Her eyes were infinite pools of sadness. "Then you have already lost."

"I love you Mab. I love you," croaked Vortigan, "but do you love me? I have heard the rumours about your pursuit of Merlin and I love you too much to settle for something that can never make either of us happy."

Mab seemed to consider what he had said, her head titled gently to one side. "I do not love Merlin anymore than I would a son. But perhaps if I can make him love me…I will survive with his aid. You must understand Vortigan."

He had never seen her so sad but he was too angry to care. "Then it is pointless for me to even hope," Vortigan shouted, "and yet you demand my trust. If this is love than it is torture."

This time the guilt was clear in her eyes as she gently touched her lips against his cheek. "Perhaps, it is I who should say that I am sorry."

"For using me?" grated Vortigan. "Don't waste your breath. I am the fool who continues to hope when all hope is gone. Perhaps I deserve to be used."

A tear fell down her cheek. "Don't say that," she whispered, "Please. Just believe in me."

Oh how Vortigan hated having these feelings. He could deny her nothing. Nothing. "I will try," he murmured.

She arranged her purple dress around her delicately, her eyes filled with a mix of pain and compassion, "That will do… for now." And without a sound she was gone. Just like that. But that wasn't the worst thing. The worst thing was that Vortigan knew that even envious and jealous he would do nothing. Even with all of the Kingly power at his disposal he would do nothing. In his meaningless life she was something and he could deny her nothing.

* * *

Running, running, always running. Was that all he ever did? Running from feelings he was too afraid to face. Was this to be his life forever? And he had been needlessly cruel to Nimue. He wondered if he did love Nimue to care so much about her even in his anger. And again, Merlin knew the answer, or at least he thought he did. Her and her faith gave him protection from Mab's ways; she kept him from growing too hungry for power, from crawling back to Mab to beg for her love, her goodwill and her immense power. Nimue kept his imagination grounded.

In that second, Merlin turned back. It was unfair of him to leave her hurting like he had, especially when he knew the extent of her conviction. He had been rash and it could lose him a potential ally against Mab.

He composed his apology and knocked on Nimue's door but there was no reply. He tried again. Silence.

"I will come back on the morrow," he thought even as he cursed himself for being a coward.

* * *

In her own elaborate chamber, the one Vortigan had assigned her, Mab tried to control her emotions. It was unusual for her to have qualms about her plans at all but Vortigan had been more to her than a mere lackey in his younger years. Was he so stupid to love? Another tear fell down Mab's cheek, she was beginning to wonder. Vortigan may be stupid, but he was also like herself and using him like a pawn was wrong.

It occurred to her in that second that his love was the only thing in her long life that had been lasting. Her followers, her sister, Merlin; they had all betrayed her. So had Vortigan when it came down to it. But even so he had still loved her for herself and he had never demanded the impossible.

Was it so wrong for him to want her love now?

Another tear fell.

Her plans, her survival were more important than paltry matters of love.

And how she hated them all for giving her no choice.


	10. Chapter 10

_For this chapter the rating is a little higher coz there's a sex scene so just be aware of that ___

Chapter Eleven

As Merlin walked more sedately to his bed chamber, he waved his fingers experimentally. A small flame sprang up from the unlit candle in his left hand and he smiled to himself. He had been practicing his magic ever since he had left Mab's dominion. It was good policy to know your enemy and to know their weapons. He sighed. Defeating Mab would not be easy. If he was honest with himself, he knew she was still to powerful.

It was so unfair. She who had nearly seduced him, nearly used him was just too strong. In his flash of anger, Merlin lost control of the flame. Melted wax flicked onto the ground and sheepishly Merlin tried to calm his thoughts. After all, eventually he would find a way. That was why he had enlisted the aid of Nimue and the Lady of the Lake.

Opening his chamber door, he quickly took in the disarray at his work desk perplexedly. Bare weeks ago, King Vortigan had summoned Merlin to his castle and he had been appointed head councillor to the King himself! It had been odd; in a day Merlin had gone from forest exile, to one of the most influential men in the Kingdom. And all on Vortigan's whim.

The last councillor had been executed unceremoniously; leaving behind the yearly tariff's to sort through. Before Merlin had left for Nimue's chamber, they had been sorted out neatly in piles. Now the sheafs of parchment were strewn across the wooden surface. With a grunt of annoyance he noticed that the shutters were open. The wind must have blown the sheets out of order, he though, irritated.

He pointed his hand at the shutters, concentrating hard, grinning as they shut as though of their own accord. Rather than expend himself on magic a second time, he quickly arranged all of his parchments in a pile on his desk. He would sort them out on the morrow.

Shivering a little, he sat on the edge of his bed, longing for the warmth of his sheepskin rugs. He nearly screamed in fright as he felt someone under the covers. In confusion, he threw them back to see the shape of a lithe woman unfold before his startled eyes. Her face was hidden in shadow.

Well, under the circumstances he had the right to go in for a little pomp. With a dramatic flourish, he conjured up a small ball of flame to rest in the palm of his hand. The girl gave a gasp of fright. Perhaps she had been shown to the wrong chamber?

But no, the blonde hair, the wide blue eyes were Nimue's, and she was not lost. Even in the half light Merlin could still see the dewy innocence that lit up her eyes and he was, for some inexplicable reason, relieved.

"Nimue, what are you doing here? If anyone sees you…"

She let out a girlish giggle, "Oh Merlin, what can they do to me now? I am a hostage who has had all of her freedom taken away from her like a bird in a cage. Why shouldn't I have something precious, something God given like love for myself alone?"

Merlin blushed. He was still very much a virgin. "But…but…our argument earlier. I was sure we would never speak again. I came to see you… but you weren't in your chamber."

Nimue smiled gently, "God teaches his followers to be compassionate and forgiving. It behoves me to exercise both for your actions earlier. But I love you Merlin and Love always wins in the end."

Merlin smiled as he removed his garments and slipped beside her naked body into the bed. "Aunty Ambrosia used to say much the same thing. 'Magic has no power over the human heart… not over love.' And she was right."

Nimue shyly stroked his cheek murmuring, '"yes love is very powerful. You have taught me that Merlin." Her lips fluttered against his cheek, his chin, his mouth as Merlin felt himself harden with desire.

And then they were kissing passionately, Nimue's tongue wrapping around his, her nipples erect as he stroked her, nearly insane with desire and passion. Ha, Merlin thought, and I thought Mab had taught me lust. She could learn much from Nimue.

He sighed as Nimue's hands slid between his legs, fondling him till he came wet and sticky. She took his hand and placed it between her thighs, allowing him to afford her the same pleasure. Aunty A had never told him about this! He stopped embarrassed. He didn't know what to do next. What if he hurt Nimue?

Nimue stopped kissing his chest to say, "Whatever is the matter Merlin?" her face crumpled, "Don't… don't you like me… quite enough?"

"No, of course I do. It's just… I've never… I've never…"

Nimue laughed easily, "You'll learn." She began stroking him again till he lay atop her, her breasts cupped in his hands. And she was right, it was easy. She let him in and it was pleasure like he had never known before. Even their sweat seemed romantic.

He fell asleep with his mouth nuzzling between her thighs, head held down by Nimue's hands as her hips thrust against his mouth in orgasmic spasms.

* * *

The look on Nimue's face as Merlin slept was an odd one. It could only be described as a look of triumph.

* * *

When Merlin woke, it was still dark and he estimated that it was early morning. He rolled away from Nimue gently to get a better glimpse of her face, but without the moonlight to aid him, it was still too dark to see. Instead, he settled for running his hands over her face like a blind man, feeling her features gently. Her soft lips, carved cheeks and lids delicately closed.

He quickly moved his hand back lest he wake her. He gazed at the ceiling, flat upon his back. In moments he was dreaming again. Dreaming of Nimue telling him a story in his forest hut, of her sitting by the fire singing a prayer, of her delighted face at his simple tricks. But instead of Merlin she was listening to, it was Frik, as he transformed himself into a handsome cavalier, complete with swashbuckling sword and now Nimue was Mab and she kicked Frik to the ground, shattering crystals carelessly.

His dream began to fray at the edges; wisping away like fog. This had only happened once before and it had been in Mab's crystal cave. It was the first power given to him and it would be the last to leave him, the Sight had called to him and the Sight never lied.

With a gasp, Merlin opened his eyes once more, to quickly conjure up a flame. The visions never lied and they had told him that the woman he had slept with was not Nimue.

His face was strained and frozen as he looked into the pale, glittering face of Queen Mab. Her full lips were cruel even in sleep; her lids painted the green of envy. In that second, Merlin was terrified. What had Mab done with Nimue? And more importantly, what would she do with him?

As the shock wore off, he gagged. He had slept with not just an incorporeal creature…but…but his own mother and what was worse he had enjoyed every second of her attentions. Why? Why? Why? His mind sounded over and over. Why had he been so arrogant? So smug? So sure of himself? Any man could have seen that they coy girl in his bed had not been Nimue. The truth was… he just hadn't wanted to really see. He had wanted someone to love him.

Fear coursed through him again as he remembered the passionate kisses shared between him and Mab in the crystal cave. He had wanted her then and damn the consequences and he knew, without any need of the Sight, that the second Mab woke he would drown in her eyes all over again.

But even as he thought it, it was too late. Mab's mouth was curving upwards, her eyes fixed on his and even as he tried, he couldn't look away.

"Poor Merlin," a voice sounded in his head, "this time there is no Lady of the Lake to save you."

_Apologies for my crappy sex scene. I tried, I really did ___


	11. Chapter 11

_Sorry about the delay writing this chapter… gah annoying exams… hopefully its so good you wont mind the delay ;)_

Nimue was kneeling at the foot of her bed praying again for God's guidance. "Heavenly Father, please tell me what to do…tell me what to do about my love for Merlin." Tears filled her eyes but there was no response- at least not in any obvious physical way. Nimue's headache grew worse. On the one hand she did love Merlin (and yes she was brave enough to admit that) but on the other hand if he served the pagan Goddess Mab… Nimue frowned- well innocent until proven guilty. He didn't even have any proof to say that Merlin had had anything to do with Mab, nothing but the words of a frightened Christian servant girl.

Nimue loved Merlin and she didn't know if she was strong enough to let him go. With a sigh, she rose, dusting off her bed robe; the hour was late and she was weary. Better to sleep on her thoughts and suspicions and ask Merlin himself for the answers she sought in the morning.

She began to brush out her long corn coloured hair, gazing at herself in the small mirror Vortigan had seen fit to provide her with. She wondered if Merlin truly thought her beautiful? She gave a start. There were pictures forming in the mirror glass. Was it possible that God had heard her prayer? But no… she gasped in horror, her fingers covering her mouth. The images seething, moving across her mirrored glass were all too familiar. In the mirror she saw Merlin's bedchamber; her eyes drawn, nay, focussed deliberately on the luxurious bed. Two figures were entwined beneath the thick, woollen blankets… a man and a woman. The pale, pale skin, dark, frightening eyes and painted predatory mouth; they had to be Mab's and Nimue's Merlin, her light, her love (and in that second she knew it to be true) atop her, lying in her arms content.

Great hacking sobs racked through Nimue's body and she turned away, but she could still hear their grunts of pleasure in her mind, almost smell their sweat. Her sobs fell freely onto the bed covers. Her Merlin, her love, was everything Niamh had accused him of and more. In her tears and pain, Nimue made the sign of the cross, whispering, "God save his soul and deliver him from evil… God please hear your faithful servant. Set me free of his love." Nimue pulled the covers over her head and tried to sleep. She had made up her mind. She would never see Merlin again.

* * *

"This time there is no Lady of the Lake to save you," Mab whispered in Merlin's ear, looking him full in the face.

The sound of her velvety voice, her lovely eyes made him forget about Nimue, forget about his anchor… Oh how he loved Mab, his mother and how foolish he had been to try to deny it to himself.

His mouth was on hers, his hands cupping her breasts; his mind thinking _they are somehow lovelier, more womanly, more complete than Nimue's_ as Mab's wicked fingers guided him. He felt he would die from the ache of the pleasure he felt for her; the adoration. When Mab rolled away from him, exhausted, Merlin kissed her fingers, her cheeks, her eyebrows, her mouth and this time it was he who guided her; revelling in the lust he felt for her; the lust he had never felt for any other. He didn't care if Nimue heard his groans of delight. He only cared about _her. _He felt as though he was an arrow who had finally found the target of purpose in his life and now he might be content.

* * *

Mab smiled in the dark as Merlin fell under her spell for a second time. She revelled in the knowledge that Nimue would see all- oh how Mab loved having leverage… she could smell the scent of survival. She could see herself _winning_.

She tried to stifle the niggling thought in the back of her mind that told her she was doing wrong, that told her she was acting unworthily of her own powers. But most of all she tried not to think about Vortigan; the man whose love she had sacrificed for survival, the man who had humbled himself before her as he had for no other, the man who in her heart of hearts she knew she loved.

* * *

The sunlight fell softly on Merlin's bed and he rolled over, his hand trailing along Nimue's (or was it Mab's?) stomach. His head was as heavy as if he were drink muddled and his mouth felt oddly dry. He felt as though the entire night had been a dream. What was going on? Mab… Nimue… no it was Mab… but why?

She crooned in his ear, "Now that you love me Merlin, help me. Help me to survive."

Merlin stared at her face in confusion, "I… I… I don't understand? I love you?" He slurred the words unsteadily, still muddled.

"Of course don't you remember?" she half chided laughingly.

Suddenly it all came flooding back. Merlin recoiled in mingled disgust and shame. "I touched you?" Mab frowned, this was not how she had envisioned it would be, "Merlin," she tried touching her fingers seductively against the side of his face.

Merlin felt the bile rise up , but he managed to throw up on the floor, not on his blankets.

"Don't touch me," he shrieked, fear making his voice as high as any girls, "Mab you witch! What have you done to me?"

Mab's eyes glittered angrily. "Bound you to me, my dear… so that I will not die. Does that seem so monstrous to you?" Here eyes were hurt.

Merlin stared at her in incomprehension, her reasons barely registering. He flung back the bed covers, pulled his cloak from the back of his desk chair and ran out of his own chamber, tears of humiliation still trickling down his face. What would he say to Nimue? And what would he do about his secret love for Mab? Lock his heart away and throw away the key and run away and never ever look back? Yes that's what he would do… run away and never come back to this infernal place… not even for Nimue would he return ever again.

The sick after taste of the bile near choked him and still the shameful tears fell. He hated her and he loved her and she knew it, damn her! He would escape her eyes, her mouth, her body because he was not yet ready to face the consequences of such a love. He would find Sir Rupert and ride hell for lather for Uther's court… it was high time there was a new King on the throne!

* * *

In Merlin's bedchamber, Mab felt a tear wend its way down her cheek. She, Mab, upset because of a mere boy? Why? How had she allowed this to happen? Why had he not obeyed her like all the others before him? Why had he been so afraid of power?

Even in her devastation she smiled, putting a delicate hand to her stomach. Inside something was growing.

_Wheeee victory for Mab haha- how did this story become so dramatic?_

_And if anyone guessed what was coming I'll eat my hat!!!_

_Please read and review coz I love you all ___


	12. Chapter 12

_Sorry about the delay guys- school work sigh and sorry for how short and boring this chapter is but the next chapter is the Mab/Vortigan tent scene and I didn't want to ruin that scene by having it under this one…_

_Besides Nea 9 would have a fit if I didn't do the tent scene right_

I was weak. I could not choose between Mab and Nimue so I ran away. I told myself that Uther would make a better King than Vortigan; that he wouldn't be a tyrant, but deep down I knew I was switching one evil for another. Even then Uther was known for his womanising ways.

After Uther accepted my services, I sought out Mab's sister, The Lady of the Lake, once more. "Help me win against Mab," I begged. I did not yet know why she helped me, but I did not ask why. She was the only Ally I had left in my fight against Mab.

The lake rippled in the uncertain sunlight. "I give you Excalibur," came her reply.

That day I rode back to Uther with a heavy heart. We rode to war and even I was not foolhardy enough to believe that this would be an easy victory. But I knew Vortigan. He would seek to trick us by fighting in Winter. Vortigan, Mab. Uther and I. We knew each other too well. While their army mustered, we too, readied ourselves for war.

* * *

Vortigan's lord's mustered in the courtyard, all were accounted for, even Lord Ardente, despite the desperate pleadings of his daughter Nimue. In the end she had understood his sense of duty would not allow him to stay behind, despite his age. Her prayers would be with him in the long march ahead.

Nimue was in her room, looking out her window, at the muster. She sighed in relief when she saw no sign of Mab. She turned at the soft knock on her door. "Come in."

Her pretty mouth curled up in disgust when she saw who it was. "What do you want with me Mab? You have taken my youth and my innocence and my one true love away from me. What more can you want from me?"

"It was not I who did this to you, but Merlin. Surely you can see that Nimue." Mab's face was cocked to one side, studying Nimue intently.

"No Mab," whispered Nimue, "It was you who tempted him into your bed and it was you who chose to show me what transpired in the mirror. I only hope that someday God will have mercy on your soul… and his."

Mab laughed. "Leave the new faith out of this. This is about you Nimue… what do you want for yourself?"

Nimue willed herself to look into Mab's deep green eyes. "I wish for something that you cannot give me. I wish for nothing more than peace."

"Ah but I could," murmured Mab, "for a price."

"With folk such as you there is always a price," replied Nimue bitterly.

"Tell Merlin his place is with me. Tell him this and I will create a place for you where none shall ever hurt you again."

"Why should he listen to me?" asked Nimue.

"He will listen to you because his heart already tells him that it is right. He simply seeks reassurance."

"No," said Nimue quietly, "I won't do it." Her voice was filled with conviction.

"But," hissed Mab, "You love him. Surely you wish to see his path become straight.'

"With one such as you his path can never be straight… his path could only ever twist and turn treacherously, ending in death. I will not help you."

"This is your pathetic human attempt at revenge," spat Mab, "foolish girl. You can never make him happy."

"No Mab, you are wrong," replied Nimue wearily, "I do not hate you, nor do I want Merlin for myself anymore. I speak truth when I say I only wish for peace and solitude. If it weren't for my father, I would be in Avalon now. I wish to live the life of a nun, free of a world of lies and deceit. I do not hate you Mab, but I do not expect you to understand."

"So," hissed Mab, "this is your final choice?"

"Yes." Nimue bowed her head in silence.

"Then there is nothing more to say." Mab jutted her pale chin out, eyes staring as she vanished into thin air.

Nimue shuddered for a second before sighing in relief. She felt as though hidden shackles had been broken, as though perhaps she was finally free from both Mab and Merlin.

_Sorry again for the crappiness of the chapter but next one is gonna be good… guarantee it!_


	13. Chapter 13

_

* * *

_

I feel like I can't live up to the awesomeness of this scene in the movie- I think it might be my favourite... my humble skills are nothing compared to whoever wrote that scene.

_The Coldplay song always reminded me of Mab's relationship with Vortigan so I just decided to include it lol_

_And finally I dedicate this chapter to Nea 9- who has followed this fan fic for quite some time and has an obsession with Mab/Vortigan_

Honey you are a rock  
Upon which I stand  
And I come here to talk  
I hope you understand

That green eyes  
Yeah the spotlight shines upon you  
And how could anybody deny you  
I came here with a load  
And it feels so much lighter  
Now I met you  
And honey you should know  
That I could never go on without you  
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea  
Upon which I float  
And I came here to talk  
I think you should know

That green eyes  
You're the one that I wanted to find  
And anyone who tried to deny you  
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load  
And it feels so much lighter  
Since I met you  
And honey you should know  
That I could never go on without you  
Green eyes  
Green eyes

- Green Eyes, Coldplay

Mab pushed aside the tent flap softly. Vortigan was ready to do battle with Uther. It was her job to make sure he won. Her hand went unconsciously to her stomach. Vortigan mustn't find out about her child. She owed him that much.

Vortigan was sitting on a low stool, still dressed in his armour; after all he had to set an example of strength for his men. His eyes were grim as they raked over her purple gown and black breast plates. Their last meeting hadn't ended on her own terms. She'd change that.

"What do you want Mab?" Their alliance had been uneasy since their argument a few days ago.

"Want!" rasped Mab, "Want? Do you even need to ask?"

"If it's forgiveness you're not getting it," replied Vortigan dryly.

Mab couldn't help but roll her eyes. Vortigan was so stubborn, so proud. "Wrong Vortigan. I want you to win." Her smile became seductive.

"Hmmmm." He sat still, staring at her body, admiring her. In that second Mab knew for certain that he still loved her. She approached him slowly, hearing his sharp intake of breath. The tension in the room was like a knife.

She stopped a hands breath away from him. "Uther knows your coming."

"And who told him that? Your pet wizard, Merlin?"

Mab flinched. He reached for her hand and she allowed herself to be drawn onto his lap, in remembrance of older, happier times. His voice became quieter; for once he was being serious. "What are you so afraid of Mab?"

She said nothing. He knew full well what it was she feared. So many things... his death on the morrow if he would not listen, the death of her only real human lover, losing the battle, fading away into nothing as people forgot.

"I don't need you to win Mab. I don't need anyone. When you left me all for all of those years I didn't need any magic..." He laced the word 'magic' with both bitterness and contempt.

"You're a very brave man Vortigan but so stupid. You have to believe in something now."

"The world is passing you by, leaving you behind... kings, queens, old ways, new ways they all come together in the end. I've never been afraid, I never will be."

Mab moved away from him. How dare he? She would offer him victory and he would throw it away to spite her! The sadness overwhelmed her and a single tear drop fell down her cheek, crystallising and becoming hard at her silent command. She put the jewel like droplet into his calloused palm. "It will protect you."

His mouth twisted into a grimace of pain. She knew what he would do, but she didn't stop him. Some things were best left undone. She stared at him sadly as he threw the teardrop into the fire. "Oh Vortigan," it took all of her efforts to keep her voice steady, "It is your pride Vortigan. It is your pride that condemns you."

He had already lost; he knew it and he didn't even care. Perhaps that hurt most of all. She hadn't been able to love him enough and his pride commanded him to face his death alone. His sardonic, bitter smile was daring her to leave. She made her decision. She would stay with him till his doom came upon him; she would do that much for him.

When she didn't move towards the tent flap, his eyes widened slightly in surprise. He arched an eyebrow in question. "Aren't you going to leave?"

Mab's purple lips were set, "No Vortigan." Comprehension dawned on his weathered face. He silently lay down on his bed. "I love you Mab, for all the good that love has done for me."

Mab's eyes were filled with pain as she moved nearer to him like a priestess in a rite. "A part of me loves you Vortigan, a part of me always will."

"A part was never enough."

"You think I didn't know that? Why do you think I left?"

Vortigan bowed his head in silence. He sighed heavily. "I always knew, but I hated admitting it. I wanted you to try."

She sat next to him on the bed. "We were doomed from the start, Vortigan. A fearie Queen and a mortal man, even if he is a King, can never be."

"So why are you still here?"

"Because you will die, because I want you to know that I love you before you die."

He did not start when she mentioned his death. He had already accepted death. Instead, his hands clutched at hers and he drew them steadily to his lips, sucking on her fingers. He stopped. "I don't want you to come with me on the morrow. I want to watch you in the crystals."

"You'd die alone?"

His eyes were filled with resignation. "I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of death with you by my side. I want to be alone."

Mab nodded. She thought she understood. Silently she began taking her clothing off; first the heavy breast plates, then the purple gown slid to the ground. He laughed bitterly. "I suppose I get my revenge in the end. I die and you are left with the pain."

"I am Mab, Queen of Air and Darkness. I do not feel." But her green eyes told him otherwise as she lay atop him; the soft candlelight playing across both their features.

* * *

She was cool to the touch and she felt like silk against him. He allowed her to strip him of his armour as she kissed his mouth. He rolled atop her in a swift motion; the way she'd liked it all those years ago, rough and sweaty.

Time had changed them both. Time had changed the only woman he had ever considered his equal. As he took her, he felt his heart would burst with the emotion, all the things he had felt, had never said, and now it was too late.

He had dealt death to good men, to strong men, to resourceful, intelligent men. He wondered if death would feel like peace, a long peaceful sleep where Mab could never hurt him again.

His ironic nature doubted it.

* * *

Mab held Vortigan in her arms as he slept and she sighed as she felt the warmth of his breath against her neck. The only man who had truly known her in her younger years, back when she'd cared about her followers, would die because of her, and because of Merlin. She and Vortigan had changed together into the cold, assessing people they were tonight. People called them callous and cruel, but they did not understand that the end justified the means, that to survive in a cruel world one had to be cruel. But with Vortigan it had never mattered what she had done, how many people she sent to their deaths, how many lives she destroyed.

Complete, irrevocable love. She would miss it.

She stared ahead, willing the tears away. A small voice was telling her that this was her fault; that he would die because of her machinations.

Her fingers traced the lines of his worn face as he slept on. "I love you Vortigan," she whispered as she vanished, reappearing in her crystal cave.

* * *

Vortigan dreamt. He dreamt of Mab, her green eyes, ebony hair and ivory skin as she kissed his mouth… and then she was gone, fading… fading away into nothing while he watched.

* * *

Mab scried in a purple crystal. She was crying. She couldn't stop. _So this is what it is to be human?_

* * *

It was dawn. A raven crowed; the sound of doom… and the sound of death.

_I can only hope I did justice to this lovely and heartbreaking scene!_


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

When Vortigan woke up, he already knew Mab would be gone. He did all the right things; put on the brave show for the men, smiled and had a word for each in turn. Ardente saluted him proudly. At least one man here would be proud to die for his King.

Now his army shuffled uneasily, waiting for his signal. An arrow flew from amongst Uther's men, spitting one of Vortigan's best men like a pig. He was tired of it all. "No more," he thought as he raised his sword. "Charge!" Gods, even his arm felt lethargic. He was tired. Even he was not foolish enough to run from Death.

* * *

Merlin stood next to Uther, on the high ground of the slope. The air was icy and the ground was covered in snow. This would not be an easy battle for either side.

When Vortigan drew his sword, Merlin responded by wielding Excalibur. The sweet song of the sword called to him, sang through his blood and made him strong.

Soon he was lost in a whirling eddy of fighters; a bloody melee of swords and death. He saw one man fall off his horse; superficially stabbed by a passing soldier before being trampled beneath his own horse's hooves. Another man had red blood bubbling at the mouth; he was choking, desperately trying to breathe. Yet another was staring sightlessly at the stump that had once been his right arm.

Merlin had no stomach for today's fighting; well no one but Vortigan himself could persuade him to fight today. Besides he felt it was unfair for him to take on anyone with Excalibur for Excalibur would always win.

And then there was the sights he was seeing; all of the dead, all of the wounded. So many cut down because of Mab and because of him.

A man wearing Vortigan's colours staggered towards him. He was old and slow and his mount had been slain a couple of feet away. Merlin called out. "I have no quarrel with you, good sir. My quarrel is solely with Vortigan."

The man removed his helmet, sweat dripping from his body. He spat at Merlin's feet. "Are you the wizard Merlin?"

"Indeed I am."

The man ran at him with his sword outstretched, his eyes bulging in anger. Merlin spread out his hands. "Come, come. There need be no battle between us."

"I will never serve your pet upstart King, Uther, And I will never let you kill King Vortigan." The man stopped for breath and to Merlin's shock he realised this battle raged man was Nimue's father.

He tried again. "You are Nimue's father and an old man. I will not kill you for a cause that is already won."

Ardente snarled. "You base born coward. Fight me like a man." And then he was on Merlin; hacking wildly at him with his sword as Merlin parried desperately. But Excalibur has a life of its own and not even the greatest wizard can curb its great lust for power. The sword came down hard, whistling through the air, singing a song of pain and carnage as it cleaved through Ardente's skull.

Dimly, Merlin registered what he had done. He had killed Nimue's father, killed him in cold blood it would be said and Nimue would never believe stories of magical swords. Now he had truly lost her and in his heart he wept for the way of the world, where even as you thought everything was yours, the world laughed and snatched dreams away.

Ardente's blue eyes stared up at him and his mouth hung open in shock. Like a hideous omen, the blood seeped from his body, spreading outwards, staining the pristine white of the snow to murderous red; spreading further and further out until Merlin thought the whole world would be covered in Ardente's blood and his own guilt.

He felt a wind rise. It was chill, almost supernatural, as a thick mist rose over the battlefield. From it emerged a lone figure. He was blonde with icy blue eyes and a sardonic, world weary smirk. Vortigan!

"Are you going to use your magic on me Merlin?" he asked sarcastically.

"I'm going to defeat you any way I can, Vortigan. But I will defeat you." Vortigan began to laugh, but Merlin was no longer listening. He took out the still bloody Excalibur and brought it down to the ground. The ice cracked into a fissure, creeping up to where Vortigan stood still, surprised. In another second he was underwater, trying to claw his way out, but the ice slowly, inexorably closed over his head and his watery grave.

* * *

What was the wizard doing? Casting a spell? Meditating on the field? Vortigan could strike him down easily, the fool! "For Mab," he thought silently, his whole body tensing for the attack. But it never came. The ice cracked and his heavy armour dragged him down into its cold depths.

He struggled in vain to push himself to the surface, but it was no use. He was so cold, so very cold. Faintly, he registered that the ice was closing over his head unnaturally, like magic, that he was trapped. Out of all the deaths he would have chosen for himself, this was the last he would have guessed at.

It was dark and cold and his eyes were firmly shut as he shivered uncontrollably.

He was slipping away, fading away. So this was what Mab feared?

As the ice claimed him, he thought he could see a light shining and the figure of a woman beckoning him down…ever down, though in the great brightness he could not tell if her eyes were green, her hair dark, her breath warm and scented.

As unconsciousness claimed him, purple filled his vision and his mind and the sound of relentless keening as he was pulled down… further… closer…down.

* * *

Mab saw it all in the crystal. Its amethyst interior faded as Vortigan did. So he was dead. She had thought she was prepared for this. She had known it was the only possible outcome.

She wanted to hate Merlin for Vortigan's death; she really did, but she couldn't. All of them had shaped today's tragedy.

Numbly she wondered where Merlin had gotten Excalibur, but of course she already knew the answer; her sister, The Lady of the Lake.

Something would have to be done about her… but not now… not yet…

She wished she could properly mourn for Vortigan. She had loved him so much. Was her life always to be marked by failure and loss?

For once she didn't rage, didn't feel angry, didn't even cry. All she felt was tired… for the first time in years an age long weariness and a longing for an ending.

**End of Part 2**

_Sorry for my slowness to post this… all I can say is uni…_

_Just so everyone knows there will be four parts to this fan fic._

_I'm going to take a break from this fan fic for a bit to sort out Part 3 and to tie up some loose ends with another fan fic so I can devote all my attention to this._

_Please forgive me haha_


	15. Chapter 15

_Sorry about the delay in updating guys, but I got sidetracked with some other fan fics and with uni. Hopefully this is good and makes up for the delay. _

_Seven of my sweet loves knives_

_Has bereaved of their life._

_Their marble tombs I built with tears,_

_And with cold and shuddering fears._

_Seven more loves weep night and day_

_Round the tombs where my loves lay_

_And seven more loves attend each night_

_Around my couch with torches bright._

William Blake, Tainted Love.

Merlin tried hard to convince himself that Uther wasn't the despotic King Vortigan has been. Just when he could convince himself that perhaps Uther would be the greater, he'd remember Nimue and he could not help but know that everything about this kingdom was wrong.

Uther was a man like any other, set for certain self destruct. He cared only for mead, gold, jewellery and his ever insatiable lust. Every night a pretty girl would be summoned to his chamber, would find herself in his bed. In the morning, she'd wake up, both her maidenhood and her future gone.

Merlin was only glad that Nimue was still hidden away, though if only he knew where she was, he could go to her, beg her forgiveness. She was lost in a forest he presumed. He couldn't really blame her. Reports trailed back every day of Uther's soldiers; of how they raped the women they found with apparent gay abandon.

Pangs that came when thinking of Nimue, only served to remind him of Mab. It was slightly ludicrous that he, the great wizard Merlin, he who served under a hypocritical but ever so Christian king, loved a pagan goddess. For that night, when she had visited him, for all his horror, for all his disgust, he had felt love and desire well up from his heart and in shame he had run away.

Absentmindedly, Merlin wondered how deep her sorrow would be for Vortigan. He supposed it would be short-lived. Her kind weren't good at loving.

* * *

Ardente's bode was wheeled into Vortigan's great hall, covered in cloth of the finest gold. Nimue supposed it was an honour, to die fighting to save your King. Before he had left, she has somehow known he was going to die, for all her desperate prayers, it had been written in the stars on that night of war.

The whispers reached her in her chamber before the messengers did. _Merlin, it was the wizard Merlin. He struck Excalibur through his heart and used his filthy magic to kill the King. Merlin… it was him. It was the wizard Merlin. _

That night Nimue collected her meagre possessions, donned a dark cloak and set foot for Avalon alone. Merlin had killed her father, lain with a pagan goddess, renounced her faith, and left her to face the barbarities of war and occupation. Between them could be no real love, not anymore.

She wept tears of relief and wiped them away with one hand. She would live out her days in Avalon, at last at peace.

* * *

Mab's pregnancy was coming on at a peculiarly quick rate. The faster the better, she thought tiredly. Sometimes she'd stare into her purple crystals, summoning images of Vortigan. How she wished this child was his! Her picture memories would end with tears crawling down her pale cheeks.

It was two months after his death, yet still the wound was deep. She'd lost control. She allowed Frik to mess around with Morgan like a devoted dog, she let the faeries run amok in her crystal cave, she left Merlin and his ally to their own devices.

But not anymore. Mab clenched her fists, her painted mouth set in a grim line; _an expression Vortigan had worn_, she couldn't help but think. It was high time she summoned her wretched sister and held her to account. It was she who had ruined her plans for Merlin, she who had given Merlin the means to destroy the only person Mab had ever loved.

"I thought you would never call, sister." Even though her voice was weak and soft, even though her life stuff was fading as people forgot, The Lady of the Lake still seemed somehow mocking.

Mab's voice was flat as she stared into the centre of thee lake. "He is dead."

"I know sister. All things die in the end."

How could she be so calm? To Mab's shame, she could feel the encroaching tears tickle at the back of her throat. "Why did you help him? You know I cared about him more than anything else on this earth," she hissed.

The Lady of the Lake looked sad. "We have often disagreed sister. You helped Vortigan, I helped Merlin. I only gave him what was mine to give; Excalibur. Surely there is nothing more to say?"

Mab felt the rage and frustration mount. "But why," she hissed as her sister's light filled image swayed uncomfortably, hovering delicately above the lake.

'Because you are wrong," she answered simply, but her eyes were furtive and her voice did not convince.

"Wrong to want to survive? Wrong to fight for my people and my life? No sister, there is something you have not told me. Our kind never intervenes in the human world without a powerful reason to do so. The time has at last come for you to tell me the truth."

The Lady of the Lake's serene features suddenly contorted into that of hatred and the light around her billowed up blindingly. "You want to know the truth? You stole him from me, the thing I'd grown to love you stole. You were always lovelier, more intelligent, dark and seductive; what man could resist you? And compared to you, always in your shadow what man would want me? Air and Darkness has always been far more alluring." The light swelled and water rained down upon Mab. "Life is not like the stories," her sister continued bitterly. "The light does not always win."

Mab stared at her sister completely nonplussed. "You can't of loved Vortigan? Surely not?"

Her sister threw back her head and laughed and more water droplets fell on the grassy bank where Mab stood, but her laugh was devoid of any true mirth. "Vortigan. Don't be ridiculous. How ironic! He loved you so much he would never even spare a look for me, and yet you chose a full blooded human over him! You never did have much self respect."

Mab felt sickening realisation dawn. _But no, surely not her calm, sensible sister?_ "Not Idath?"

"I loved him all of these years when you never gave him a backward glance," The Lady of the Lake spat, 'why shouldn't I have taken your love away from you?"

"You did all of this out of petty jealousy?" Her sister did not answer and Mab did not try to raise her voice in anger back. She was beyond that now and after all there was little point. Everyone involved was dead or long gone and her sister was fading at her own choice. Well, that explains a lot, she thought numbly. Without another word she turned away, vanishing in a shaft of purple light. Now to deal with Merlin, for Mab too understood vengeance.

* * *

As The Lady of the Lake descended back into her watery depths, she couldn't help but smile. Few suspected purveyors of light to have evil thoughts, to be vindictive, to hurt, and even kill without just cause. But it has been worth it, just to see the horror on her sister's face. Now she could at last be forgotten, and remembered no doubt for her goodness, even as her sister would be hated for her evil.

There were times when she really loved the simple minds of those she dwelt with.


	16. Chapter 16

It was a 'Christian' holiday in Uther's court. They called it Samaen, but Merlin couldn't help but be angry. He knew it was a pagan holiday, meant for the Old Ways, a time of respect and new life, not one of abject fear.

The Lord's of Uther's court were drinking heavily, fingering crosses in trepidation, afraid of the time when the spirits would walk amongst the living once more. Serving women served ale tentatively, taking the suggestive lewd comments and suggestive glances in cowed silence. Merlin hated the whole lot of them. For all their Christian morals, this court stank of corruption and degradation.

It was past midnight and yet the revelries continued as though the celebrations could ward off the dead. Merlin noticed Uther staring at Ygraine, Cornwall's wife, and he couldn't help but groan inwardly. He had warned Uther at his coronation that she was another man's. Uther had nodded, listening to Merlin attentively. He took everything Merlin said to heart at least, after all Merlin had won him his kingdom, but it appeared Merlin would have to warn him again.

Merlin started as a serving woman bumped into the back of his chair, sloshing wine on the wooden table before him. "My apologies," she murmured, barely managing to meet his eyes. Everyone here was so _afraid_. It grew tedious.

She clutched at a rag, leaning over to clean up the mess. Her ill fitting, loose servant dress sagged to reveal the soft round of pale breasts. Merlin hastily averted his eyes, instead looking up into her face with an encouraging smile. Green eyes stared back. He shuddered involuntarily, thinking suddenly of Mab. One of these days he would have to face that particular fear, but he shouldn't take it out on a paralysed servant girl.

Besides, she was beautiful, despite her peasant ancestry.

"It's alright," he said softly. "What is your name?"

"Merriam," she said shyly.

"It's alright, Merriam. We all make mistakes."

"Yes, My Lord."

He put his hand against the side of her cheek. "Call me Merlin."

"Yes, My Lord."

* * *

As if I would ever want you, Mab thought sarcastically. Vortigan was ten times the man you are now. You see a pretty woman and want her, hypocrite! And you criticise Uther for having the same primeval instincts as you! To think I'm having your child!

* * *

Late in the night, Merlin stumbled into the luxurious chamber Uther had given him in return for his services as wizard. The green eyed servant woman clutched his arm nervously. She had been awestruck by his position all night. He wondered why, as he began to rip off his clothes in anticipation, after all, he had tried hard to put her at ease.

His confused, drink addled mind started in confusion as he registered that Merriam was laughing at him. He looked up to see her shedding the servant girl shape. The skin was pearly, more lustrous, the eyes as green as Winter firs. She was clothed from head to foot in purple, glittering in the moonlight. _Mab_.

"Indeed it is, you foolish boy. You killed Vortigan. Did you truly think you'd be safe from me?"

"I had to do it, because you are evil. You killed my mother, killed Ambrosia, turned Nimue against me and tried to sleep with me, your own flesh and blood."

"I did it to survive. Tell me Merlin," she said pushing a long elegant finger into his chest, "Is Uther any better than Vortigan? Is Christianity's spread worth seeing me die?"

He said nothing, his expression agonised.

"Oh, and did your precious ally, The Lady of the Lake tell you why she helped you?"

"Of course," Merlin replied defiantly, "because she doesn't agree with you using me for your own ends."

"No! Wrong again Merlin. She is jealous of my beauty, my power, my capacity to love, so she used you, just as you accuse me of having done."

"I don't believe you."

"It is the truth!"

The haunted expression on his face told her he couldn't help but believe her. "You were her pawn as much as you were ever mine."

Merlin sighed. "Than perhaps it is for the best that you both are forgotten, both relegated to the stories. At least this Christian God does not interfere with his followers on earth; he leaves us in peace to make our own choices, our own mistakes."

"No, I won't accept that," Mab said calmly. "I will fight and you will help me to survive."

"Why would I," demanded Merlin with drunken belligerence. "What you have said changes _nothing_."

"It is what I have not said, that will change everything."

Merlin's face was sceptical. She dropped the words like a bomb.

"I am carrying your child."

He was stunned. "A…a child?"

Mab simply nodded, smiling triumphantly. Merlin's face flickered with a myriad of emotions; shock, surprise, anger and then an all encompassing joy. Mab couldn't help but smile too. "A son. Help me bring him up; a purveyor of the old ways and a great King. Leave this place behind and come with me." Her hand was outstretched beseechingly as slowly, slowly. His hand reached for hers.

But then the moment passed and he snatched his hand away. "You took Nimue away from me. I cannot help you."

Mab's green eyes were grave. "It is not Nimue you love, my son. You two were never meant to be."

"Don't you give me advice. I don't need to listen to you and your lies, not anymore."

"So you will not help me, though your heart tells you it is right."

"Never!"

"Then we are to be enemies for ever more, Merlin, though it saddens me, and I assure you, I always win."

"Not this time, Mab."

"Remember you chose this path in years to come," she said sadly, as she vanished.

* * *

Merlin fell on his bed, aching inside. He had lost his only likely son forever. Mab would make sure of that, she would make him hate his father.

And what of him, Merlin? Had he followed his heart's promptings or given in to stubborn foolish pride? He already knew the answer, but that didn't mean he had to like it.


	17. Chapter 17

_Sorry about the delay in posting... again lol. I just finished with uni exams. And if anyone other than my beloved nea 9 is reading this still please review :P_

Merlin had ridden to see Nimue. He had thought that if he said sorry, explained that killing Ardente wasn't his fault, she would understand and perhaps even find it in her heart to love him again. Though he knew he should keep watch at Uther's court after Mab's threats, he told himself he couldn't be looking over his shoulder for hidden shadows forever.

He'd ridden with Sir Rupert to Avalon, that bastion of new religious faith, in the hopes that she would at least see him. As he'd crossed the serene water causeway to the cloistered island, he couldn't help but sigh. Here, Christianity locked its followers away while the land fell into disarray (and whose fault was that, a small voice niggled in his mind). Surely the people here could not approve of the ways of Uther and his court anymore than they had approved of Vortigan. But then, their whole religion was an enigma to him; to have faith in something one could never see, never speak to, never touch, a God who had no presence in his own creation, was he truly a God at all?

A tonsured monk came towards him as he reached the end of the causeway, smiling good naturedly, arms outstretched in welcome. "Greetings stranger. Have you come to pay your respects at the Chapel?"

Caught, Merlin said nothing, his eyes flickering about him nervously.

The monk's smile did not fade. "Come stranger, do not be ashamed. We welcome all followers of God here and we do not shut any who believe out," at that his voice softened, "regardless of their past." The monk took Sir Rupert's halter, clucking at him affectionately, "and what might be this fine steed's title?"

Merlin managed to smile, "He has a name worthy of his value; Sir Rupert."

_I am at least worth a Prince, I should hope. It is not every day you come across a talking beast._

_Hush, _Merlin though laughingly back to his horse.

The monk went on, unaware of the exchange that had just taken place. "And good Sir, I do not believe I know your name. Pray tell, what would you have me call you?"

"I am Merlin."

The monk's smile was still open. "Not the Merlin who serves Uther, surely not Merlin the wizard?"

"Indeed it is I."

Then Avalon welcomes you. First let us pray together at the Chapel and then you must divulge your true business here. We shall help you in whatever ways we can."

"I do not know how to pray," Merlin said quite truthfully. _At least not to your God._

The monk led Merlin along a rocky path to a small wooden shrine. He dusted the stone flagstones with his hands, kneeling back on his heels, still smiling up at Merlin. "Kneel and let us praise God together for our deliverance from the tyrant Vortigan."

"You have been most hospitable, good monk, but though I serve a Christian King, I do not believe in his God."

To Merlin's surprise the monk did not bat an eyelid. Instead he merely grunted in thought. "then young master Merlin, what do you believe in?"

"I don't believe in an all powerful, all knowing God, I don't believe in a destiny that binds us all, a shining benevolent being who loves with all of his heart. I believe in what I see around me, with my own two eyes; the faeries, the fair folk, elves, pixies, sprites, the beings who infuse this land with life."

"And who is to say that such beings are not servants of God? Or indeed, simply creatures like us, like any other, created by him?"

Merlin stared in sardonic shock. "You're the first Christian I've ever met who has not dismissed the faerie folk as child's fancies or children of the Devil!"

"Not all of have forgotten what once roamed freely in this land, Merlin. It would be wrong to discount them when we all share God's earth. But no matter, if you do not believe that God will hear your prayer, let me pray for you. He will surely accept the prayer of a follower."

Merlin was about to angrily say no, he didn't want or need God's help, but unbidden an image of Mab was before his eyes and he shivered involuntarily. Besides, the open hearted kindness of this follower of Christ touched him deeply. "Of course Father, I will remain silent while you pray to your God."

The old man merely smiled before bowing his head in heavy silence. Time passed, and at last the man looked up.

"What did you pray for?" Merlin asked curiously.

"For the light to enter your life and never leave you, for you to be an instrument of God's good peace throughout this land." The feverish light left the monk's face as suddenly as it had come. "If it was not to worship then why did you come to Avalon?"

* * *

Nimue was tending to burns patients in an infirmary; in another building were the dead and wounded from the battle for the kingdom, but the monks would not allow her to enter there anymore. The ripped and bruised flesh, the oozing pus did not frighten her, but the memory of her father's sightless, staring eyes, his stinking days old copse, rendered her useless as she would begin to cry with hopeless abandon.

Father Gerome was walking sedately towards her, she noticed as she carefully bandaged a young woman's deformed face, packing her scarred cheek with gentle herbs. And he has a young man with him too, she noted. As they came closer her stomach swopped sickeningly, as she realised that the young man was none other than Merlin. Would she never be free of him? She called her thoughts as her patient cried out as Nimue pulled the bandage too tight in her anger.

Father Gerome was at her side in seconds. "I'll finish this Child. Master Merlin wished to speak with you."

Nimue angrily grasped Merlin by the wrist and pulled him out of the makeshift infirmary and into the empty herb garden outside. "Why are you here?" she demanded none to patiently.

"Please Nimue, please listen to me. I did not mean to kill your father. He was mad with battle lust, mad from his need to save Vortigan from his fate. I did what I had to do in self defence only." He held her hand beseechingly but she shook him off angrily.

Nimue's throat ached from unshed tears. "Does it matter how he died?"

"It does to me," Merlin said fiercely. "Don't listen to the rumours. I did what I had to do, as did he."

Nimue touched Merlin gently on the shoulder. "My father's death was not the only reason I came here Merlin, surely you must know that. You slept with the temptress, you enjoyed it, and then you ran away and left me alone with Vortigan to face impending war alone and without comfort. I thought you loved me Merlin?"

"I did then, and I still do now."

"Love is not a whim, Merlin. It does not come and go like an autumn breeze or a summer's rain. Love is not sleeping with every pretty woman who takes yours fancy; love is not running away from that self same emotion in cowardice. No, love is a Holy union, based on mutual respect and mutual dreams, mutual trust, but most of all love is based on faith."

Merlin looked as though he was about to cry, but Nimue could not find it in her heart to pity him. _He brought this on himself, he only has himself to blame._ "I'm sorry Merlin, but I no longer love you."

This is Mab's work, Merlin spat, his spittle landing on a thyme bush.

"No Merlin," Nimue said sadly.

"Yes," he said, his voice hard and cold, "this is her work."

"There is only one person to blame, one person to truly blame for what went wrong with us, and that person does not go by the name of the Queen of Air and Darkness."

"You're wrong," he said obstinately, "and I will never rest till I have made her pay for it."

"In the end it is you who will pay, Merlin." Nimue turned away to hide her tears.

His face was still cold. "So this is goodbye then?"

"This is goodbye."

"There is no hope."

"None."

"Forever?"

"Forever."


	18. Chapter 18

_love for my faithful readers who keep patiently waiting for an update. I hope this chapter makes up for the wait :) I had a truly awful bout of writers block which is not thankfully gone._

I should never have left Uther alone in that cesspit of lust and corruption, for when I returned to his court from Avalon I was already far too late to stop what Mab had already put in motion. I should have known that she would use my absence from court to her advantage, should have known that she would have wanted to start our little race out in front.

I returned to find Uther besotted with Ygraine, Cornwall's wife. It was as if an evil enchantment had been laid upon him. He would not eat or drink, his every thought was for her and he would not listen to reason. He destroyed the hard won peace of the land and all for mere lust. He laid siege to Tintagel Castle, tore the loyalty of his knights apart and thus it fell to me to clean up his mess.

I laid an enchantment on Uther to give him the one night he so itched for, using a simple shape changing spell that Mab had taught me long ago in her crystal cave.

The night he took her I was granted with a vision from the spirit realm. The spirits showed me a golden haired child in a cradle, his hands reaching out for mine. "Take him," they whispered, "for he is a true King and he will be great among his people." I vowed to raise him in the New Way, that of Christianity in the hopes that Mab would not come to use him. And what a laughable hope it would come to be…

I did not know then that I myself was a mere pawn in a greater game that I always had been, that in the end I did not matter to anyone much at all. If I had listened to Mab and known the truth would I have acted differently? Alas, I cannot answer, for I do not know, do not know…

* * *

Mab was beginning to regret subjecting her body to this mad scheme. Of course, she couldn't deny that she had enjoyed manipulating Merlin, confusing him, at least at first, but she had forgotten about his human blood; that of bigotry and small mindedness which made his path one of simplistic morals and even more simplistic loves and hates.

He never had understood her, never would understand her; _not like Vortigan had_, her inner voice whispered. Oh, how she wished this child was _his. _Their relationship had always been difficult but that had been expected and their feelings for each other had never changed. A child might have united them, strengthened their bond.

Mab's purple lips pursed, but no, this child was Merlin's and as such could only ever be a tool a means to an end. It would be lucky to get much affection at all, with the pain in her stomach the child had caused her of late.

_He_. She had seen the child in a vision in the crystals, awash in a strange red glow. Mordred, she had thought, I shall call him Mordred, and he shall be the thorn in Merlin's side, my greatest weapon in the battle's ahead.

She smiled wickedly, looking again into a crystal. It was then that her stomach began to contract. She ignored it. She still had months before the birth. But the pain refused to be ignored and sticky fluid began to trickle down her thighs.

_Frik_, Mab screamed silently, _Frik where are you?_ Her heart was already sinking fast; for she knew where Frik was, he was exactly where she had ordered him to be, enchanting Morgan. She pulled against their mind connection, hoping the sharp twinge would speed his journey back to her realm (though she often ridiculed Frik, he was an excellent physician.) But she felt nothing but a fuzzy sense that spoke of interference, but who could possibly be blocking the connection?

She bit down hard on her lip to stop herself from screaming out loud, causing blood to drip onto her pale chin, as another spasm reached her body. _This isn't right, he cannot survive this. _Frik, she called again, more frantically, as she felt herself sliding weakly to the stony ground of her crystal cave.

"Oh, how my sister has fallen," an all too familiar voice tinkled, "this is what happens when you dirty yourself with those beneath us." Her pale face screwed up in distaste, but Mab still had enough wits about her to notice that only three fish remained. She would not last to see Mab's dreams come true.

"Let us end this feud between us sister," she said through teeth clenched with pain, "you are dying, but with my help you may live on in the hearts of the people."

To Mab's surprise The Lady of The Lake laughed easily. "I think not," She breathed, "I already have ensured that I will live on in their stories. They know me as the sister of light, the bright, shining one who arrived just in time to prevent your evil from spreading throughout the land."

Mab stared at her through pain glazed eyes. "You planned this?"

The Lady of the Lake looked at her mockingly. "Of course. You stole Idath from me, so I stole Vortigan and now this child from you. As we speak, Merlin's pawn Arthur has been born. You have failed and I have won."

Mab cried out as she felt a pressure pushing down on her stomach. "Please," she begged, tears streaming, "Please let my child live."

But her sister just laughed and shook her head. "I go now to Arthur's birth. Merlin will bring him up to forget you and he will be a King such as you have never imagined. They will still speak his names down the long years _and there is nothing you can do to stop me_." Her shimmering form vanished before Mab could form a reply.

There was no one to hear Mab's screams as the baby was ripped from her body, no one to comfort her as she cradled his lifeless form on the floor, no one to see her get up, a cold, hard light in her green eyes as she left for the world of men with only hatred left in her heart.

* * *

And so it came to be that I thought myself victorious as I stood upon the cliff near Tintagel, looking deep out to sea and cried out, "I have won." The waters crashed up around me and I felt that surely on this beautiful day I was blessed above all men, to see the birth of a child such as the baby would become.

When Mab appeared on the other side of the cliff face, I stared at her to hide my fear behind a façade of calm. She was terrible in visage that day, far more frightening then ever I had seen her. Always before I had felt that she could feel pity, feel pain, feel sadness, but not on this day, and perhaps never again.

Her green eyes were like woodland ice, dark and filled with the promise of terror and pain. I knew then that I would never be safe, not while she still breathed on this earth for the Lady of the Lake had used me to fight Mab, and now she had taken away the last of Mab's joy. She had lost all humanity because of it, and now it was I who would pay the price.

I was too young then to understand that I had been used by a being every bit as vindictive and as deceiving as Mab, from that first time I had met her in Mab's crystal cave she had been manipulating me, feeding on my insecurities in the hopes that she would hurt Mab. And in the end she had, yet still I cried out to the wind, "You cannot win, Mab."

But the waters crashed up around me, as if to undermine my claim and Mab hissed with a voice full of hate and triumph, "Wrong again Merlin, I'm already winning."


	19. Chapter 19

_Second last chapter guys!!! I didn't think I'd ever finish this fan fic to be honest lol. This is a filler chapter to remind everyone of Merlin part 2. It was never my intention to rewrite the second part of the film because to be honest I think it's perfect how it is, and I could never compete with the script writers there. I always just wanted to give Mab a bit more pathos and humanity, muddying the morality a bit so to speak. I apologise for the boredom this chapter will induce in advance, but only because the last chapter is really good... I promise :P_

And so it came to be that the young baby Arthur was sent to be fostered by a Christian family, until the time should be right for a new King to unite the land. Merlin became his teacher and protector, but in his short-sightedness he made no allowance for the girl, Arthur's half sister, Morgan, in his plans. She was an intelligent girl, if disfigured and the ways of a shut up noblewoman who had fallen from favour failed to stimulate. Truly, one such as her should have been sent to Avalon to be taught the ways of humility and peace of mind, and here truly, her mind would have been put to good advantage. But Merlin was loathe to ask for my help so he left her well alone.

Yea, left well alone in Tintagel Castle, parentless and powerless, she came to love pretty clothes and pretty toys, her mind left to languish in a sea of idle and lazy ways. Encouraged by Mab and Mab's servant Frik, Morgan began to crave that which she could never rightfully have... the throne and her brother's crown.

When at last Arthur was of age to pull the sword from the stone, she was there waiting, with Mab's help rendered lovely, and under the guise of a far away Queen, Morgan seduced her own half brother, even as Mab had tried to seduce Merlin. Poor Arthur, born of only mortal blood, he could not withstand the magicks used against him and succumbed to lust.

It was the first move in an outright battle between Mab and Merlin, a battle which would come to destroy all other players in its wake.

It is well recorded that Mordred was born to Morgan (not so well known is it that he was named after Mab and Merlin's own dead son), it is well recorded that he hated his father, trained from a young age to both abhor and despise him, well recorded that he was taught from a young age to covet the crown.

It too, is well known that Arthur (with Merlin's help) built Camelot and married the adulterous Gwenivere, well known that while Arthur and his knights sought the Holy Grail, she was slowly tearing the kingdom apart and all for love.

What is not so well known is that Mab, in her blind hatred and her desire to destroy her deceiving sister, The Lady of the Lake, along with Merlin drove these events forward, winding them into the entire fabric of Albion's history, never the once caring who they might bring down in their own personal feud.

Thus, when at last Arthur returned empty handed from his quest to find the impossible, it was to find his wife in love with his best friend, and Merlin forced to step aside as Mordred called out for his rightful place by his father's side.

And of myself? Of Nimue? I remained at Avalon, never to see Mab and Merlin again, set only the simple task of recording events, of telling the truth, aided in my task by the reformed gnome Frik, his lover Morgan, now dead and cold.

Many believe that Merlin and I were separated by Mab's cruel magic, shut up in stone templed woodlands of her own devising. This was always a lie, a mistruth that Merlin spread to comfort his much hurt pride in the years ahead.

I was always here, will always be here till at last God wills that I should go to my peace, and then I shall die content, knowing that I at least, did right in the eyes of God. Yes, I will sit in this room and record the truth, while the destruction of battle ravages the outside world and eventually one power emerges victorious...

_Priory history for the year 15 in Arthur's reign_

_Recorded by the Prioress Nimue on the 31__st__ day of battle_


	20. Chapter 20

There was nothing left but this in the end. Nimue had turned her back on me, Frik had left me alone in remembered fear of the days of old when Mab had been his mistress, Mordred was dead, Arthur was dead, The Lady of the Lake vanished and gone, and so there was nothing left but to succumb to emptiness and as I at last saw Mab broken, for in her own way she had loved Mordred.

His death rendered her once ebony tresses grey, her face more pale than usual, sickly and wan, and somehow it was this picture of Mab that at last made me pity her, her humiliation touching me to the heart, but then I remembered the people she had hurt and destroyed and knew that this was my last chance to rid myself of her.

Our powers were matched in battle, and besides neither of us had any strength left to put much power into our spells. But I had one strength she could never match. I was part human and thus I did not fear death, did not fear to fade away and be forgotten.

"What are you going to do now Merlin," she said her voice soft and brittle, "You cannot win."

It was hard to condemn my mother, hate her though I thought I did, but condemn her I did, for the sake of peace in Britain and for the sake of those lying barely cold on the ground outside Camelot, for the dead soul that was my son with Mab, for still I believed her to be guilty of that murder.

'I turn my back on you, Mab. You can't fight us or frighten us. You're just not important enough any more. We forget you, Queen Mab. Go join your sister in the lake, and be forgotten."

Her mouth gaped frantically as she realised that she had fallen into a trap that she could not get out of. "No Merlin, you can't. I love you ... as... as a son.," but the endearment held no warmth and I stayed facing the surviving the surviving soldiers, thei back turned as Mab screamed "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"

"Frik," she cried, "Frik," but he heard her not, for she had been the end of the one being who could ever love a gnome, she had taken away his magic and callously and cruelly loved in his face as he cradled his dead love in his arms.

But it was very hard to ignore her faint pleading, and as I felt her grow weaker, i knew that my last hope of true happiness was drifting away into empty air.

I did not feel victorious and I did not feel triumphant, I felt only the triviality and the waste of it all. Everyone that I had ever loved, everyone who had ever loved me all gone, all gone down, gone somewhere far away where I could no longer bring peace into their lives, and so snatching my own happiness away.

Mab's voice in my mind grew fainter and fainter, yet still I heard her dying words to me, before they too became nothing as she vanished with a last scream of despair...

* * *

So is this how it all ends?

Our worthless battle

Our trials

Trampled into the dust

The chain of hate

Snapping too late for the both of us

I will fade

Snuffed out like a candle

And you must live with what you have done

Into the long years

Endless desolation of the heart

My final legacy.

All the coldness, all the ice

Trickles away and my heart

Breathes once more

But you do what you must, my son

My whimpers, my screams

No longer can bind you to me

My eyes bore into your back

You ignore

But your pain is a palpable thing

Heavy in the air.

I go to join my sister

You to endlessly wonder alone.

All those wasted lives

Given us in exchange, our pain their prizes at last

I at least will know surcease

You must endure

Your human emotions scarring forever.

Here there are no winners

Only an empty void

To us is dealt death

Or perhaps worst of all, memory

For those who stay behind.

The Gods are not always kind

To us they give Endless Night

And remembrance for all eternity.

So this is how it all ends

In empty air and tears and

Worst of all...

Silence.

* * *

And Mab with her dying breath was right. The empty air, the tears of heartache her legacy to me. My hate and my love for her so deeply intertwined that even now I cry out in the night, dreaming of her face.

Every day I am reminded of the love we might have shared, the love that I forced myself to destroy because I believed that love is not enough.

I catch my breath when I see a woman working in the fields with deep green eyes; I turn and wait when I hear footsteps behind me. On the beach I hope the tide will carry with it her voice. Sometimes I almost think I hear her words float to me upon the wind.

'Mab," I say, "I remember you now, when it is too late. Come back, you are not forgotten." But the words are empty and futile.

Where she has gone, none but the dead can follow and I am left with only memories to drive me through my weary days; memories and daydreams of what might have been had I been brave enough, strong enough.

But soon even memories fade, distorted by the old man's vices and failings and the inevitable passing of time. In my brighter days I pray that Mab will have another chance at life, a chance not dictated by fading spirits and titles of Goddess, but a chance of simplicity and peace. But always deep down, I know we do not get a second chance and that where she has gone, there is no escape from the snares of death.

So instead, I pick up my pen and write, and this time, as with Nimue in Avalon, I write to tell the truth, so that Mab will be remembered by the people not as an evil spirit, but as a restless soul, who's actions were shaped by others long before I was born. I write so that she will be remembered with respect, and with who knows? Even love...


End file.
